Wow my blog has been depressing lately. Sorry about that, but this is not going to be any better. I have a confession to make. I am not SuperMom. I am also not Super: Wife, Daughter, Friend, Sister, Employee, or any other label you can think up for me. I'm sorry to burst any images you may have of me. There is a hole in my cape and it doesn't go "whoosh" as I run around anymore.
I have realized after some serious contemplation that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I don't know how to be happy. Sure, I can be happy on occasion like on my wedding day, when Paxton was born, anything involving Christmas ... but I am not actually a happy person. I am pretty good at faking it most of the time, but occasionally I have a meltdown ... and today is that day.
And really, I don't have that much to complain about. I have a beautiful son, a husband who loves me, sisters and parents who support and love me, inlaws that adore me, and friends that I can call on anytime. But I am not happy. I worry. And it seems if I don't have something to worry about then I can't function. I worry that I am not doing all I can to be the best wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc. I worry that Paxton will be the weird kid when he goes to school that gets bullied. I worry that Paxton will be the bully. I worry that I won't be good at my job when I go back. I worry that we won't have enough money to cover our bills (even though we always seem to). I worry that I am just not good/worthy enough to have what I have. I worry that I am just not good enough.
This fear I'm sure was ingrained in me through no fault of my parents, teachers, family, friends, etc. It must be a coping mechanism or "wall" that I've thrown up to manage my everyday life. I just grew up always being good at stuff. I was the smart kid and the athletic kid. But I've never really fit in. I also have always been the girlfriend/wife that is "Alisha." (ie, "one of the guys", understanding, likes sports, forgiving, likes video games, etc) But we can't all be "Alisha" all the time. I'm not always good at stuff. And when I'm not it freaks me out.
I'm pretty sure I'm having some sort of emotional breakdown. Maybe it's postpartum rearing it's head 11 months later. Maybe it's all the anxiety of the unknown once I return to the workforce. I don't know. But I am releasing my fears and insecurities to the universe. Hopefully this is the first step to me becoming a better, healthier wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend, etc. Perhaps asking for help and not internalizing everything is the key. I realize that I can't do everything on my own.
Love to anyone reading this! (And I promise my next post will be more happy, full of fluff and pictures!)
1 year ago
Alisha, I think everyone feels like that so don't put yourself down too much. It wouldn't be too uncommon for postpartum to be rearing its ugly head right now so if you so suspect that don't be afraid to get help. Also when I'm feeling like that I find the best thing for me to do is pray, read my scriptures, go to church and just completely rely on the saviour. He can fill any holes in any capes. Good luck with everything. I know it will get better soon.
ReplyDeleteUmm, I would like to say ditto to Charlotte's comment and add a really big hug from your favorite big sister. Oh wait, I'm your only big sister. And lots of warm fuzzies...and I promise that you will figure it out. It will take some work and adjusting on your end but you just took your first big step. Move forward, don't look back, and do what you need to do to be happy. YOU DESERVE it!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kelly and Charlotte sweetie. I loved how Charlotte said that the Savior can fix all holes in anyone's cape, you just have to let Him help you, and you start that by praying and asking Him for His help. He loves you so much and is anxiously waiting for you to ask.
ReplyDeleteI also think you probably do have some depression. Sorry about that. It seems to run in both sides of the family. I know when I'm depressed, I never feel happy either. You just kind of go through the motions of living and surviving, and yes, some days it feels like you are just surviving, and sometimes the days stretch into weeks and even months. I totally understand what you're saying, but you keep plugging away. I've been trying some Vitamin D, Primrose oil, and fish oil as well as hemp seeds, and it seems to be helping with the energy level and the mood. If you want to try it, I'll by you some and give you the doses and see if it helps you too.
I love you so much. Hang in there even if you're cape droops a bit. All of our capes droop from time to time - it's call living in a telestial world. One of the things I look forward to most after this life is to not to have to deal with all the "telestial" stuff of life. There's so much more I'd like to share with you. I will if you want me to.
all my love, mommy
PS I hope this posts
Well I guess its fare I made you cry in my last post I guess you get to make me cry in at least 1 of your posts. I love you sis, you are an amazing person and I see that and I know that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ see that too. I know that if you ever feel like you need someone to help you through your day they are both there for you anxiously waiting to help. I know that sometimes we don't feel worthy to ask them for help, but its in those moments that we need them most. I am here for you if you ever need anything. I love you so much Lish and I hope that you know that I still think that you are a super sister with an amazing cape even if it has a few holes in it from time to time. You just sew them back up and continue with life. (if you need help with the sewing thing you have a mom and 2 sisters who could teach you a thing or 2) Hang in there your an amazing person even if you don't feel like you are sometimes.
ReplyDeleteHey Alisha,
ReplyDeleteFirst I have to say that you are one great writer!I just wanted to keep reading. You touched me with your honesty and frankness.Second this is a beautiful blog page. I don't know much about blogs but this was inspiring.
I want you to know you are loved, yes by me, your auntie Di, but thats not who I am talking about. So here it goes...YOU are the daughter of a king. That makes YOU His princess. Your Heavenly Father loves you immensely. You may not remember Him But he made you your cape. This world you live in, this trail we call life, has worn through certain areas of your royal cape. You were made to have joy as you were made to feel pain, disappointment. That was always the plan. You accepted that plan. What we sometimes forget is that the hard times we go through are there to help us turn to our Father and ask for His help.He misses us. You miss Him, your spirit misses Him, and you know what...that is a GREAT thing. This may sound crazy but this is a good thing. These moments show us that we were never supposed to be on our own out here. He made sure we had the Holy Ghost to comfort us and to bring us back to Him. You received that gift. It is yours to claim my friend, anytime you choose. This is not meant to be a sermon sorry. I just want you to know you are not alone. You have just realized what many people struggle with everyday, we are not perfect. Good. That takes the pressure off doesn't it. Wow, what we do to ourselves. That feeling you are feeling, I don't think it's depression, I think it is an awakening. I think The Lord in His wisdom is trying to show you all that He has to offer; perhaps you are now ready to take a look at it once again. Your inner princess longs for her "Happily Ever After" and recognizes that some pieces of her story needs to be adjusted. That realization is a a great beginning to great and promising "once upon a time..." I love you princess Alisha. Auntie Di
Alisha,
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the most amazing people I know. I understand how you feel-it's tough to always be "on" for the crowd. Right now I want you to remember that you can always count on me to be there for you. And that I can relate to what you are going through. Come Monday, I will see you at work and remind my self how human we all are...no "Super" Mom, Wife, Relative or Friend, just a human being with all our towering strengths and terribly beautiful fragility. Come talk to me. Or sit there and say nothing. I am here for you.
Dee