This Ridiculously Early Morning is Brought to you by:

the letters P, A, X, T, O and N.  And by the numbers 3, 5 and 0.

*Warning: This post is based on actual events and contains mental images that could be disturbing to some readers.  Reader discretion is advised.*

**Disclaimer: My son is not speaking English proficiently yet, so the following is my interpretation of what he was saying.  And anything in italics is a thought.  And my alarm clock doesn't actually talk, but you get the picture.

Paxton: Moooooooooom!!!
Me: *rolls over*
Alarm Clock: 3:50 am
Me: What did you just say?
Alarm Clock: 3:51 am
Me: That's what I thought.
Paxton: Moooooom!!! Why aren't you in my room yet?  Didn't you hear me call you?
Me: *stumbles to the door and enters Paxton's room* (patience level on a scale of 1-10 is about 1.5)
Paxton: Oh good.  You're here.  Wanna play with me now?
Me:  Not on your life.  It's 3:51 am.
Paxton: Ok.  We'll play after you change my diaper, right?
Me: *finishes changing diaper, places Paxton in his crib, returns to own bed*
Alarm Clock: 3:57 am
Paxton: Moooooooooom!!!  I don't want to be asleep!  I can hear Dad in the shower!  It's clearly time to be awake!
Me: Just ignore him.  He'll cry himself out in a few minutes.
Paxton: Mooooooom!!!  Why haven't you come back yet?
Me: Go to sleep.
Paxton: Moooooom!!!  I need you in here!  It's dark, even though there's a night light.
Me:  Can't you tell I'm ignoring you?
Paxton: Moooooom!!!  Why are you ignoring me?  It's cold because I'm standing up instead of laying down under my blankets!
Alarm Clock: 4:13 am
Me: *returns to Paxton's room* (patience level has now reached about -2) *removes The Boy from standing position and places him on his stomach in preferred sleeping position; covers him with blankets*
Paxton: But Mom!  I am really very certain that it's time to be up.
Me: You are mistaken.  It is definitely not time to be up, and Mom is definitely not in the mood for these shenanigans. *leaves room, closes door, returns to bed*
Alarm Clock: 4:15 am
Paxton: Moooooooom!!!  I don't know why you're having such a hard time understanding the concept here!
Me: Right back at you.
Paxton: Mooooooom!!!  I need you!  Even though I have an army of stuffed animals in here with me that I could play with until I fall back asleep!
Me: Remind me why I signed up for this again?
Paxton: Moooooooom!!!
Alarm Clock: 4:20 am
Me: *storms to the kitchen; grabs bottle of milk from the fridge; returns to The Boy's room* (patience level has now reached about -7)
Paxton: Finally!  I thought you'd never get the picture.
Me: *picks up The Boy; gives him the bottle; sits in chair while holding the boy*
Paxton's clock: 4:32 am
Me: *places sleeping Boy in crib; retreats from room*
Paxton: Mooooooom!!! How dare you leave me in here even though I was sleeping!  I thought I'd made it clear that I want to be up!!!
Jay: *looks slightly alarmed while brushing teeth*
Me: I might kill him.
Jay: Uh-oh.  Did you try taking him to bed with you?
Me: No, because I have to be up in 25 minutes to run on my eliptical.
Jay: Oh.
Me: I'll see you after work. *returns to bed*
Alarm Clock: 4:35 am
Paxton: "Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!"
Me: I am sparing your life by staying in here.  Just go to sleep.
Alarm Clock: 4:40 am
Paxton: *silence*
Me: Well that's just awesome.  Maybe I won't run today.  Maybe I'll just sleep for an extra hour.  I deserve it.
Conscience: That's not going to help you achieve your goal.
Me: I hate you and your logic.
Alarm Clock: 4:55 am
Me: And you.  I hate you and your time-keeping. *gets up to go run*

Please note: I would not actually ever kill my son, nor do I have homicidal thoughts about him in the wee hours of the morning.  I'm just not a good Mom before 6 am (7 am on the weekends).